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Single mother: 7 main fears, advice from a psychologist
Single mother – from these words often breathes with despair. In fact, women have long learned to raise babies without anyone’s help. But what exactly mommy has to cope with, no one can imagine. We collected their most common fears and problems and asked psychologist Natalya Perfilieva to give effective advice on how to cope with them.
Many of their married girlfriends do not even know about such experiences and problems. After all, at first glance, all that the difficulties of single mothers boil down to is where to get money, with whom to leave the child and how to start trusting men again. But no. This is not the only point. Any mother is afraid for her child. And a single mom has to be afraid for two, because there is often no one to protect her. Yes, and their own experiences do not add joy to life …
The envy of happy couples
What you are experiencing is normal. Envy is a destructive feeling that sometimes exacerbates negative attitudes towards people. You have no negativity. The child is small, which means that you broke up relatively recently. You, as a young woman, want love, warmth, a strong shoulder next to you, a full-fledged family for your son. You are experiencing mental pain, from which you must gradually get rid of. And you feed her! Completely unaware of what is happening with these families. And there are problems and tears. Start moving away from something that cannot be returned. Accept: you are alone with the child. What to do? Become a happy woman and mother. What’s next? Diversify your life. Urgently! Sign up for a tango circle, buy interesting, educational books, find a hobby. Fill the void with useful. Decide who will sit with Maxim for these one and a half hours while you are at the dance. The boy needs a happy mom. A man is looking for a special energy in his chosen one, and not unbridled pain and resentment for the whole world.
The child is offended and there is no one to protect
Alina, tell your son to stay away from this child. Let the children learn to collectively call the teacher for help in such attacks. You can collect the signatures of all parents in the group and contact the administration. In the most critical cases, the administration, at the request of the parents of the group, has the right to ask them to stop visiting the garden. And remember: you do not live in a forest or on a desert island. Even the boy’s father can be held accountable. Do not be afraid for the future of your son, invest in him as much motherly warmth as possible. And at the age of 6, you can send your child to a section where there will be a male coach, so that the boy has a good male example before his eyes from childhood.
The child does not want a new dad. I will remain a loner
You don’t need to listen to anyone in these matters, forgive me, but my mother’s advice says that she also raised you alone. The child is jealous. This is a common occurrence. The girl’s life is changing, her mother no longer belongs only to her, and the need to share her mother’s attention with someone else. And this is someone else’s uncle. What to do? Do not under any circumstances give up the relationship. Try not to drastically change the child’s living conditions. Also on Saturdays go to the park and the cinema. Invite the children home. Create a situation where a new person will help your Katya in something. Arrange joint games. And tell her more often words of love.
Elena, you have a growing fatigue syndrome. Extinction of forces. When a mother, due to problems, simply gives up and transfers her own negativity to the children, breaking into a cry. You associate your irritation with the behavior of the child, who is capricious and disobedient. But in fact, it is the child who behaves this way, because he feels your irritation. If you have already reached the boiling point, then you need to do something.
You can just scream. With an open mouth, into nowhere, without a child, into emptiness. Shout out all your problems, give your guttural sound your pain. Then exhale and say calmly: I am a good mother, I have a beloved child, I just need to rest. Choose two or three days! Take the baby to her grandmother. And just sleep off. Look at your daughter not through irritation, but through the prism of love and joy that you have her. You will definitely experience pleasant feelings. She always forgives and loves you – in a way that no one else can do. If it becomes very difficult with emotions, see a psychologist.
Not the first freshness and with a child
The body of a woman, alas, changes after childbirth. It is a fact. But it is known that if a man likes a woman and he knows that she has a child, there can be no question about “body parts”. Hating yourself is definitely not a solution. Sign up for strip plastic, dancing, trainings for women. After all, you do not need to lose weight, you do not have excess weight. And the body will change when your thoughts and attitudes change. Get to know yourself again. The problem of stretch marks and a non-sexual body is only in your head.
Something is wrong with me. I’ve been alone for five years
It’s like that with you. But the pace of life you choose comes at a price. These are your resources, which are at zero. Home – work – home. Sometimes cafes and movies. You believe that the meeting should happen like in a fairy tale. All of a sudden. You drop your handkerchief, it is next to it, picks it up … and away we go. You are not 20 or 25. A busy, working person like you will get to know you. He will not even notice the dropped handkerchief. What you need? Take up the running. Walk a lot, leaving the car. Visit the cafe alone. Not with girlfriends. This will make it easier to approach you. Start to conduct interesting correspondence on the network. Select interest groups, send friend requests. Replenish your resource with activities of any kind. The child is very important. But it looks like you got carried away and forgot about yourself.
You must understand one important and very valuable thing for you – NO ONE SHOULD NOTHING TO YOU! Fathers abandon their children and do not pay child support. Young grandmothers arrange their lives. And they have the right to do so. Your sister is smart! She brings you groceries. The father helps financially. To be offended by an old grandmother is generally super wrong. Your friends help you, and you condemn them for their ineptitude. In my opinion, you, as a single mom, did not turn out so badly. Don’t you think that the developed system “everyone owes me” will soon lead to the fact that you will be left without any help, friends and support at all? Learn to take responsibility on your own shoulders. This is your child. This is your life. You are responsible for it. And not a village grandmother and ex-husband.