The birth of a second child: how to eliminate hatred and jealousy between children

The birth of a second child: how to eliminate hatred and jealousy between children

Childhood jealousy is kind of a hackneyed topic. But, having stumbled on another cry from the heart of an exhausted mother in the net, we could not pass by.

First a nanny, then a doll

“There is a big problem in our family,” one of the visitors began her address to the forum users. – I have a daughter, 11 years old. A son was born 3 months ago. And they changed my daughter. She directly says that she hates him. Although during my pregnancy we talked a lot, she seemed to be expecting her brother too … In fact, everything turned out differently. “

The woman explained that she and her husband are planning to move the baby to the room with their daughter soon – they say, let it be a nursery. So what? Now parents with a baby live on ten squares, and at the disposal of their daughter “mansions” in 18 squares. In fact, the layout is an ordinary kopeck piece with a small bedroom and a living room, which is called a daughter’s room. The girl raised a riot: “This is my space!” Mom complains that the little brother is now terribly annoying for the girl. “I haven’t abandoned her, but the younger one needs more attention! And she specifically requires my attention when I do it. Arranges hysterics that we do not love her. Conversations, persuasions, gifts, punishments, requests have no effect. The daughter’s jealousy goes beyond all boundaries. Yesterday she announced that she would strangle her brother with a pillow if he was in her room … “

The situation, you see, is indeed tense. The members of the forum were in no hurry to sympathize with their mother. “Are you out of your mind, add a baby to a schoolgirl?”, “Do not deprive a child of childhood!”, “Children should have their own space!”, “Change rooms”. Some even asked if the family was implementing the saying about “first give birth to a nanny, then a lyalka.” That is, a girl was born, a potential nurse and assistant, and then a boy, a real full-fledged child.

And only a few showed restraint and tried to support the author: “Don’t worry, everything will work out. I have a difference between children of 7 years old, I also had jealousy. I asked her to help me, just to look after the child or to shake the stroller. She said that she was my only assistant, and without her, I could not go anywhere. And she got used to and fell in love with her brother, now they are best friends. Do not settle the baby with your daughter, but just switch rooms with her. She needs a personal space where she will rest. “

And we decided to ask a psychologist what to do in this case, when the conflict reaches the stage of outright war.

Stories of hatred towards minors are not uncommon. Like stories, when the firstborn is ready to take care of a brother or sister, it helps parents to care for the baby. It is important to pay attention to the psychological characteristics of different periods of childhood and adolescence. In addition, you should not make a tragedy out of child jealousy. It is better to think about what useful experience can be learned from the situation. The main thing, remember – children remember the parental style of behavior very well.

2 main mistakes parents make

1. We are responsible for our smaller brothers

Often, parents make caring for a younger child the responsibility of the first-born, in fact, shifting some of their responsibilities onto him. At the same time, they use various persuasions and requests. If this does not work, then bribery and punishment begin.

With this approach, it is only natural that the older child, often unconsciously, begins to defend his boundaries. The firstborn believes that he responds fairly, in proportion to the offense. No wonder. First, most of the parent’s attention now goes to the youngest. Secondly, mom and dad require the same from the elder: to give the newborn time and attention, to share toys and a room with him. The situation can be aggravated if the first child was raised overly egocentric.

2. Big little lies

Of course, it is necessary to prepare the child for the appearance of a brother or sister. But, unfortunately, in such an attempt, some parents greatly exaggerate the positive aspects of this event. And it turns out that instead of teaching the child to react correctly to various situations, mom and dad form the child’s ideas about how the family’s life will change. It seems like a lie to the rescue, but the result is incredible stress for the whole family.

Naturally, in the older child, feelings of hatred and jealousy towards the baby become dominant, plus the not always conscious feeling of guilt for the fact that, according to the parents, he does not help in caring for a brother or sister. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for couples to have children and then actually shift the care of them onto the shoulders of older children.

According to the psychologist, parents are often absolutely sure that their older children, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, and uncles should help them take care of their own child. “Grandma is obligated” – further there is a long list of requirements: to nurse, sit, walk, give. And if older children or relatives refuse, then accusations, resentments, screams, tantrums and other negative ways begin to shift their responsibility to others.

First, understand that no one is required to babysit your child. Your baby is your responsibility. Even if older relatives press and drip on the brains, convincing him to have a second one. Even if the elder asks the brother hard. The decision to have a second child is only your decision.

If older children or relatives are too persistent, it would be good to discuss with them their desires, as well as their own desires and possibilities. Instead of reproaching any of them in the future: “After all, you yourself asked for your brother, sister, granddaughter … Now you yourself are babysitting.”

We are sure that you will not pull the second child – put an end to all conversations about a possible replenishment in the family. Even if you are promised that they will help you in everything.

Second, forget about bribery punishments and reproaches! If it so happened that the older child does not want to take part in caring for the baby, the worst thing that can be done in such a situation is to insist, blame, punish, bribe him or scold him, reproaching him for his unwillingness! After this approach, the situation only gets worse. It is not uncommon for older children to feel even more neglected and abandoned. And from here to hatred and jealousy of the younger is one step.

Discuss his feelings with the elder. Talk to him without any pretensions or judgment. It is important to just listen to the child and accept his feelings. Most likely, in his understanding, he really found himself in a rather unpleasant situation for him. Try to convey to the elder that he is still very important to the parents. Communicate with him as a volunteer, thank him for his help and encourage the desired behavior. When parents sincerely consider the feelings of older children, do not impose their duties on them, respect their personal boundaries, give them the necessary attention, older children gradually become very attached to the baby and try to help their parents themselves.

The mother of four children Marina Mikhailova advises to involve the father in raising a difficult teenager: “The appearance of a second child is impossible without mental work on the part of both parents. Without the help of mom and dad, the first-born will not be able to love a brother or sister. Here, all responsibility falls on the shoulders of the fathers. When mom spends time with her baby, dad should pay attention to the older one. For example, while mom puts the baby to bed, dad takes her daughter to a skating rink or a slide. Everyone should be in pairs. As you know, the third is always superfluous. Sometimes couples change. In no case should you constantly remind the elder that he is already big, you should not force him to help with the baby. Remember: you are giving birth to children for yourself! Over time, your difficult firstborn will understand everything and love his brother. Babies always evoke a feeling of affection, but older children just need to be adored. “

Yulia Evteeva, Boris Sednev

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