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What you can’t tell your child – psychologist
Surely you also said something from this set. What is really there, we are all not without sin.
Sometimes parents do everything to make their child successful in the future: they send them to an elite school, pay for education at a prestigious university. And their child grows up helpless and lack of initiative. A sort of Oblomov, living his life by inertia. We, parents, in such cases are accustomed to blame anyone, but not ourselves. But in vain! After all, what we say to our children greatly influences their future.
Our expert has compiled a list of phrases your child should never hear!
And also “don’t touch it”, “don’t go there”. Our children hear these phrases all the time. Of course, often, we think they are purely for security reasons. Although sometimes it is easier to hide dangerous objects away, to put protection on sockets, than to constantly distribute instructions.
– If we prohibit doing something, we deprive the child of the initiative. At the same time, the child does not perceive the “not” particle. You say, “Don’t do it,” and he does and gets punished. But the child does not understand why. And when you scold him for the third time, it serves as a signal to him: “If I do something again, I will be punished.” So you create a lack of initiative in the child.
“Look how that boy is well behaved, not like you.” “All your friends got A’s, but what are you ?!”.
– You cannot compare a child with another person. This generates envy, which is unlikely to be an incentive to study. In general, there is no black or white envy, any envy destroys, lowers self-esteem. The child grows up insecure, constantly looking back at the lives of other people. Envious people are doomed to fail. They reason like this: “Why should I try to achieve something, if everything is bought everywhere, if everything goes to the children of rich parents, if only those who have connections win.”
Compare the child only with himself: “Look how quickly you solved the problem, and yesterday you thought about it for so long!”
“Give this toy to your brother, you’re older.” “Why did you hit him back, he’s younger.” Such phrases are the lot of many first-borns, but this clearly does not make it easier for them.
– The child is not to blame that he was born earlier. Therefore, do not say such words if you do not want your children to grow up as strangers to each other. The older child will begin to perceive himself as a nanny, but he will not feel much love for his brother or sister. Moreover, all his life he will prove that he is worthy of the highest love, instead of building his own destiny.
Well, and then: “you are stupid / lazy / irresponsible.”
“With phrases like this, you raise a deceiver. It will be easier for a child to lie about his grades than to listen to another tirade about how bad he is. A person becomes two-faced, tries to please everyone, while suffering from low self-esteem.
There are two simple rules: “scold once, praise seven”, “scold one on one, praise in front of everyone.” Follow them, and the child will want to do something.
Parents say this phrase quite often, without noticing it. After all, we want to educate a strong-minded person, not a rag. Therefore, we usually add next: “You are an adult”, “You are a man.”
– Banning emotions will not lead to anything good. In the future, the child will not be able to show his feelings, he becomes callous. In addition, suppression of emotions can lead to somatic diseases: heart disease, stomach disease, asthma, psoriasis, diabetes and even cancer.
“You are still small. I myself “
Of course, it’s much easier for us to wash the dishes ourselves than to entrust this to a child, and then collect the broken plates from the floor. Yes, and it is better to carry purchases from the store by yourself – suddenly the child will overstrain.
– What do we have as a result? Children grow up and now they themselves refuse to help their parents. Here’s a greetings to them from the past. With the phrases “give it up, I myself,” “you are still small,” we deprive children of independence. The child no longer wants to do something on his own, only by order. Such children in the future will not build a successful career, they will not become big bosses, because they are used to doing only the work that they were told to do.
“Don’t be smart. I know better”
Well, or as an option: “Be quiet when adults say”, “You never know what you think”, “You were not asked.”
– Parents who say this should talk to a psychologist. After all, they, apparently, do not want their baby to be smart. Perhaps these parents initially did not really want a child. The timing was just approaching, but you never know reasons.
And when a child grows up, parents begin to envy his abilities and, at any opportunity, try to “put him in his place.” He grows up without initiative, with low self-esteem.
“… I would build a career”, “… got married”, “… left for another country” and other reproaches from mothers.
– After such terrible phrases, the child simply does not exist. He is like an empty place, whose life is not appreciated by his own mother. Such children are often sick, even capable of suicide.
Such phrases can only be spoken by those mothers who did not give birth for themselves, but in order, for example, to manipulate a man. They see themselves as victims and blame everyone for their failures.
“You are the same as your father”
And judging by the intonation with which this phrase is usually said, the comparison with the father is clearly not a compliment.
– Such words devalue the role of the father. Therefore, girls often have problems with men in the future. A boy growing up does not understand the role of a man in a family.
Or: “Change quickly!”, “Where are you in this form ?!”
– Phrases with which we are trying to subdue the child to ourselves. Choosing their clothes for children, we kill their desire to dream, their ability to make decisions and listen to their desires. They get used to living the way others tell them.
And it is also very important not only what we say to the child, but also how we say it. Children very easily read our bad mood and take a lot into their account.