39-year-old Yulia, mother of 17-year-old Nikita, a clever, handsome man and a student of Moscow State University, told her story Woman’s Day. Seven years ago, our heroine divorced her husband and raised her son alone.
When I was left alone with a child seven years ago, at first everything was even good. This happens when peace comes to the house. My son was just ten years old, and he was waiting for a divorce no less than mine, because my husband was a terrible tyrant – everything is under his control, everything is just the way he wants, there is no other correct point of view. And he is always right, even when he is wrong, he is right. It is difficult for everyone to live with this, and it is extremely difficult for a teenager during the period of “transitional rebellion”. But I would have endured further – all the same, a comfortable and well-organized life. But the last straw for me was his passion for a secretary, which I accidentally found out about.
After the divorce, it almost immediately became clear to me that I had done everything right. My son Nikita no longer flinched at the call, we began to spend more time together: we cooked pizza, went to the cinema, downloaded films and watched them, hugging each other, in the room. He stroked my cheek and said that in their class half of the children grow up without fathers, that I will definitely meet a good person …
And then my first problems began from a life performance called “Divorce”, which greatly influenced my son.
Act one. I have always held on to marriage as a complete family. Therefore, I tried to go to visit where there are good fathers. This is a kind of example for a child-boy: he must see different family values, study traditions, take part in men’s work. And then one day, having arrived at the dacha to my friends, I noticed that my school friend was somehow inadequately responding to me. My son and friend Serezha helped his father chop wood, I stood nearby, worrying about the fire in the grill. The day was wonderful. And then I was asked a question: “Yul, why are you rubbing with the men all the time? My husband doesn’t need help. For this I am! ” I even shivered. Jealousy. We had known each other for two decades, and there was someone who was in my decency, but she could not doubt. This is how our friendship ended.
The second act. Then it was even more interesting. For so many years of marriage, my husband and I have made many mutual friends. And after our divorce, the purge began. But I didn’t clean it – I was cleaned out of notebooks by those who used to smile and call for my birthday. Some supported my ex with his new woman, and I was allowed to enter their house only if he was not visiting. This is clear. But I didn’t need such invitations. I was faced with the fact that many married couples liked me in a state of ringing. But one … Yes, I looked my best, young, well-groomed, calm. But I did not expect jealousy. I never gave reasons and was not even in a hurry to respond to the courtship of other men. It was a shame. I cried. I missed the noisy trips to camp sites, joint trips abroad.
So loneliness came. I transferred all my love, warmth and attention to Nikita.
A year later, I quite naturally got my mother’s infantile son, who could not do his homework on his own, fell asleep only in my bed, began to complain that we could not buy something … What have I done? It seemed to me that I was creating favorable conditions for the boy. In fact, all these 11 months I saved myself from depression. She took on her shoulders everything that my son could do on his own. I hammered holes in my soul, so I patched my heart. But the good, the brains and understanding of life quickly fell into place.
I was able to formulate for myself five rules of raising my son alone.
firstwhat I said to myself: a man is growing in my house!
Second: so what if our family is small and there is no father. After the war, every second boy did not have a father. And mothers raised worthy men.
The third: we do not live on a desert island. Let’s find a male example!
Fourth: we ourselves will create a company of good friends!
Fifth: sometimes it is a bad male example in the family that prevents you from becoming a real man. Divorce is not a tragedy.
But formulating is one thing. It was necessary, by some miracle, to enforce these rules. And then the difficulties began. My relaxed, beloved son-prince was very surprised at the change. Rather, he resisted. I pressed on pity, cried and shouted that I no longer love him.
I started to fight.
First, I made a schedule of household chores. This is a mandatory item for raising a boy. It is not the mother who jumps around the son, but the son must ask what needs to be done. Here it is necessary to play along a little. If I spent a whole year on my own shopping in supermarkets and carried two huge bags home, now the trips to the store were joint. Nikita whined as the north winds whine over the boats of fishermen. I was patient. And all the time she repeated: “Son, what would I do without you! How strong you are! Now we have a lot of potatoes. ” He was stern. He didn’t like shopping. But he obviously felt like a peasant.
Asked to meet at the entrance when late returning from work. Yes, I would have reached it myself! But I said I was scared. Everything related to the car, we did together: we changed the wheels at the tire changer, filled in oil, went to the MOT. And all the time with the words: “Lord, how good it is that there is a man in my house!”
She taught me how to save. On the fifth of every month, we sat down at the kitchen table with envelopes. They laid out salaries and begged alimony. Every time I had to call my dad and remind him. He tried to call his son and ask if his mother was spending his money on herself. And then I heard a real man’s answer: “Dad, I think it’s a shame to say that. You’re a man! If mom eats two sweets for your alimony, should I tell you about it? ” There were no more calls. Just like weekend dads. But there was pride in my son.
Our envelopes were signed:
1. Apartment, internet, car.
2. Food.
3. Music room, swimming pool, tutor.
4. Home (detergents, shampoos, cat and hamster food).
5. Money for school.
6. Yellow envelope of entertainment.
Now Nikita took part in drawing up the family budget on an equal footing. And he perfectly understood why the yellow envelope was the thinnest. So my boy learned to appreciate my work, money, work.
She taught me compassion. It happened so naturally. We immediately set aside money for entertainment: movies, friends’ birthdays, sushi, games. But very often it was the son who suggested spending this money on urgent needs. For example, buy new sneakers: the old ones are torn. Several times Nikita offered to give money to those in need. And I almost cried with happiness. Man! After all, the summer fires left many people in our region without things and housing. The second time, money from a yellow envelope went to help people who were left homeless: a gas pipeline exploded in their house. Nikita collected his books, things, and together we went to the school, where the help headquarters was. A boy should see such a thing at least once!
This does not mean that we stopped going to the movies or eating pizza in the evenings. The son simply understood that it was necessary to postpone it. I must say that we never needed money while I was married. And they were even considered quite well off. But the new life brought us new difficulties. And now I thank heaven for this. And my husband – no matter how strange it may sound. We did it! Yes, it was difficult to find out in passing that he, forgetting to pay alimony, bought himself a new cool car, drove his ladies to Bali, Prague or Chile. Nikita saw all these photos on social networks, and I was hurt for my son to tears. But I had to be smarter. The son still had to have the opinion that both parents loved him. It is important. And I said: “Nikit, dad can spend money on anything. He earns them, he has the right. When we divorced, even the cat and the hamster stayed with us. There are two of us – we are a family. And he is alone. He is lonely. “
I gave it to the sports section. I found a coach. According to reviews on the forums. So the boy started going to judo. Discipline, communication with a man and peers, the first competition. Good luck and bad luck. Belt. Medals. Summer sports camps. He grew before our eyes. You know, boys have such an age … It seems like a child and suddenly a young man.
Friends were surprised at the changes in our lives. My son grew up, and I grew up with him. We still went to nature, fishing, dacha, where Nikita could communicate with dads, uncles and grandfathers of friends. Real friends are not jealous. They may be few, but this is my stronghold. The son learned to catch pike and catfish in Astrakhan. We walked in a big company along the mountain pass, lived in tents. He played the songs of Tsoi and Vysotsky on the guitar, and the grown men sang along. He was on an equal footing. And these were my second tears of happiness. I created a social circle for him, I did not fall in love with him with my sick love, I coped with it in time. And for the summer he got a job with my friends at a company. The idea was mine, but he doesn’t know about it. He came and asked: “Uncle Lesha called, can I work for him?” Two months in stock. Hero! I saved my money.
Naturally, there were also plenty of problems. In adolescence, boys beat off their hands. I had to read tons of literature, look at situations on the forums, consult. And the most important thing is to understand that the children are different now. Bumping the table is not for them. It is necessary to win the respect of the child so that the son feels responsible for the mother. You need to be able to conduct a dialogue with him – honest, on an equal footing.
He knows that I love him. He knows that I am not overstepping the boundaries of his personal territory. He knows that I will never deceive him and will fulfill my promises. I do it for you, son, but what are you doing? If you didn’t tell me that you would be late, then you made me nervous. He makes amends – cleans the whole apartment. Myself. So he admits that he is wrong. I accept.
If you want to take a girl to the movies, I’ll give you half the money. But you will earn the second yourself. Nikita on the site takes work on the translation of songs into Russian. Fortunately, there is the Internet.
Psychos? There are. Are we quarreling? Sure! But there are rules in quarrels. There are three nos to remember:
1. In a quarrel, one cannot blame the fact that the son told in secret, revelation.
2. You can’t go over to rudeness, name-calling.
3. You cannot say the phrases: “I laid my life on you. I didn’t marry because of you. You owe me, etc. “
I don’t know if it can be said that I raised a man if he is 17 years old. I think yes. On holidays, from early in the morning, roses are on my table. My beloved ones, powdery. If he ordered sushi, then my portion will be waiting in the refrigerator. He can put my jeans in the washing machine, knowing that I came from a dirty street. He still greets me from work. And when I’m sick, like a man, he shouts at me that the tea has cooled down, and he rubbed me ginger and lemon. He will always let the woman go ahead and open the door for her. And for every birthday he saves money to buy me a present. My son. I like him. Although he is not at all affectionate. He can grumble and sometimes communicates quite strictly with his girl. But she told me once that I raised a real man and she was calm with him. And these were the third tears of my happiness.
PS When my son was 14, I met a man. In Moscow, quite by accident at the forum. We just started talking. We drank coffee during the break. We exchanged phones. We congratulated each other on the New Year, and six months later we flew to the Emirates together. I didn’t tell my son about Sasha for a long time, but my boyfriend is not stupid, he once said: “At least show me a photo!” Nikita entered the geological faculty at Moscow State University, as he wanted. And I moved to the suburbs. I am happy to re-learn life, where there is love, understanding and a lot of tenderness.