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how to improve the relationship of a child with a stepfather
Often, trying to improve the relationship between the child and the new husband, mothers only complicate the situation. To make the adaptation easier, it is important to avoid a few things. Our expert is Viktoria Meshcherina, a psychologist at the Center for Systemic Family Therapy.
March 11 2018
Mistake 1. Hiding the truth
Children under three years old quickly get used to new people and sincerely believe: the man who raised them is a real dad. But the fact that he is not native should not be a secret. The closest person should report this. Having accidentally learned from strangers or overheard a quarrel between parents, the child will feel betrayed, because he has the right to know about his family. Received suddenly, such news provokes an aggressive reaction and even causes the collapse of the relationship.
Our whole life is subordinated to children: for their sake we buy dogs, save up for vacation at sea, sacrifice personal happiness. The thought will come to consult with the child about whether to marry you – chase her away. Even if the candidate for relatives is a good person, the baby will have a fear of being superfluous in the end. Instead, promise that you will do everything you can to keep your life as usual. There are enough people in the environment, from grandmothers to neighbors, who at any moment will call the baby a “poor orphan,” whose future is worthy of pity, and this will only confirm children’s fears. Pay attention to your baby, say that he is the most important person for you.
Mistake 3. Requiring that stepfather be called dad
There can be no second natural father, this is a substitution of psychological status, and the children feel it. Introducing your son or daughter to your chosen one, introduce him as a friend or groom. He himself must realize that he can only become a friend, teacher, protector for his stepson or stepdaughter, but he will not replace the parent. If forced to use the word “dad”, it can destroy the relationship or even lead to serious psychological problems: loss of trust in loved ones, isolation, conviction of uselessness.
Mistake 4. Give in to provocations
Subconsciously, the child hopes that the parents will be reunited, and will try to expel the “stranger”: he will complain that he is being offended, show aggression. Mom must figure it out: bring everyone together, explain that both are dear to her and she does not intend to lose anyone, offer to discuss the problem. Perhaps there is a difficulty, but often it is a fantasy that allows the child to draw all the attention to himself. It is important that the stepfather is patient, does not try to set rules, take revenge, use physical punishment. Over time, the intensity of passions will subside.
Mistake 5. Isolating from the father
Do not limit the child’s communication with dad, then he will retain a sense of family integrity. He needs to know that despite the divorce, both parents still love him.