At work, in relationships, in the company of friends, such people claim leadership and do everything to succeed. Often their efforts are rewarded, and yet no success seems sufficient to them. Why this obsession with results?
“Today’s society is all about performance,” explains French sociologist Alain Ehrenbert, author of The Labor of Being Yourself. Becoming a star, gaining popularity is no longer a dream, but a duty. The desire to win becomes a powerful impulse, it forces us to continuously improve. However, it can also lead to depression. If, despite our best efforts, we still do not succeed, we become ashamed, and our self-esteem plummets.
Remain an exceptional child
For some, breaking through to the top and gaining a foothold there is a matter of life and death. People who go over their heads and do not hesitate to use the dirtiest means to achieve their goals are often in dire need of admiration from others and are not able to perceive other people’s problems. Both of these characterize the narcissistic personality.
This type is noticeable already in childhood. Such a child needs to be the sole object of his parents’ love. Confidence in this love is the basis of the child’s self-respect, on which his self-confidence is built.
“Parental love is an inheritance that we carry with us all our lives,” says Antonella Montano, psychotherapist and director of the Institute. A.T. Beck in Rome. — It must be unconditional. At the same time, an overabundance of love can have detrimental consequences: the child will believe that everyone, without exception, should adore him. He will consider himself the most intelligent, beautiful and strong, because that’s what his parents said. Growing up, such people consider themselves perfect and tenaciously hold on to this illusion: to lose it for them means to lose everything.
To be the most loved
For some children, it’s not enough to just be loved, they need to be most loved. This need is difficult to satisfy if there are other children in the family. According to the French psychiatrist Marcel Rufo, author of the book Sisters and Brothers. Love sickness”, this jealousy spares no one. It seems to the older child that all the love of the parents goes to the younger. The younger one feels like he is always catching up with the others. Middle children do not know what to do at all: they find themselves between the first-born, commanding them «by the right of seniority», and the baby, whom everyone cares and cherishes.
Unable to win a place in the hearts of parents again, a person fights for it outside, in society.
The question is whether the parents will be able to “distribute” love in such a way that each of the children feels the beauty of their position and place in the family. This is far from always possible, which means that the child may have the feeling that his place has been taken.
Unable to win a place in the hearts of his parents again, he fights for it outside, in society. “Alas, too often it turns out that on the way to this peak a person lost his own interests, relationships with loved ones, abandoned his own health,” Montano complains. How can you not suffer from this?
What to do
1. Calibrate targets.
In the battle for a place in the sun, it is easy to lose priorities. What is valuable and important to you? What drives you? What do you get by doing this and not otherwise?
These questions will help draw the line between goals dictated by the narcissistic part of our personality and healthy aspirations.
2. Act smart.
Acting under the influence of impulses and emotions, trample on your surroundings for a short time, leaving no stone unturned around. So that the taste of victory does not end up poisoning existence, it is useful to listen to the voice of reason more often.
3. Appreciate victory.
We reach the top, but we do not feel satisfied, because a new goal is already looming before us. How to break this vicious circle? First of all — realizing the effort expended. For example, by studying the diary and the list of tasks that we completed to get what we wanted. It is also very important to give yourself a gift — we deserve it.
4. Accept defeat.
Try not to get emotional. Ask yourself: “Could you do better?” If the answer is yes, think of a plan for another try. If negative, let go of this failure and set yourself a more achievable goal.
Tips for others
Often someone who aspires to be «number one» considers himself a failure, «the first from the end.» The best thing you can do for him is to convince him that he is valuable to us in himself, regardless of success and achievements, and that the place that he occupies in our hearts will not go anywhere.
It is also very important to distract him from the eternal competition and reopen to him the joy of simple things.