It is customary for us to shame mothers. For what? Yes, for everything. To please everyone is an impossible task. You dress your child too warmly or too lightly, your child is suspiciously quiet or too loud, too plump or looks undernourished. How, he is already a year and a half, and you still do not take him to Montessori courses? You’re not a mother at all! Cuckoo!
Do you think that you are a disgusting mother? Damn right, you are absolutely right!
And this is not because something is wrong with you. There will simply always be people who will not like your parenting methods. At the same time, their own upbringing (sorry for this sad tautology) will calmly allow them to express their claims to you in person.
“Star status” is not an amulet against criticism. And even on the contrary: he is like a red rag for a bull. Recent examples include Anfisa Chekhova, whose subscribers were horrified that her son was eating pasta with his hands. And even with cartoons! Execute, you cannot pardon. Or Maxim Vitorgan, who was almost “eaten alive” for daring to engage in “dangerous” gymnastics with his son. And Ksenia Sobchak? How dare she pump the press on some kind of fitness, when she has to sit at home and swing her son. “What a stupid name,” the followers write to Anna Sedokova when they learn that she named her son Hector.
Do you think this behavior is a feature of the Russian mentality? Let’s disappoint. Mothers all over the world suffer from “well-wishers”. This phenomenon in the West even came up with the name “mumshaming” (from the word shame – shame).
What mothers have felt on themselves for a long time is now confirmed by statistics. The study was conducted in the United States by order of the Charles Stuart Mott Children’s Hospital. Women with children under five years old were interviewed – this, as it turned out, is the most “vulnerable” audience. And here are three main takeaways:
1. In total, two-thirds of mothers (and almost fifty of them took part in the survey) are criticized in relation to their children.
2. Most often, mothers are criticized by their family members.
3. The three most common criticisms are: discipline, nutrition, sleep.
Now for the details. Most often (61% of respondents) young mothers are really criticized by relatives: husband, mother-in-law, even own mother. Compared to this figure, the criticism of girlfriends and friends, although it takes second place, looks almost negligible – only 14%. In third place are “mothers” from the playgrounds. The very ones who always know how to raise a baby are the best and do not hesitate to make a remark to a stranger. Further, on the little things – commentators on social networks and doctors in clinics.
And it’s half the trouble if all these comrades attacked one by one. However, every fourth mom interviewed admitted that she was attacked by representatives of three or more different groups of critics.
What is it that haters do not like? First of all, of course, the behavior of the baby. This was noted by 70 percent of the respondents. Too loud, too noisy, too naughty, too … The flaws in your child are ready to see almost everything.
In second and third place is criticism of diet and sleep patterns. We swear, grandmothers are soloing here. Then there are the “battles” of supporters and opponents of breastfeeding.
What do moms do when they are criticized? I would like to tell us that offensive words are ignored. But no. Their statements catch on. Many begin to look for information on a topic on their own or ask a doctor a question to make sure that they are right or that of an opponent. Slightly more than a third of women said that criticism forced them to change their views on the upbringing or behavior of the child.
At the same time, 42 percent of the mothers surveyed admitted: they began to feel more insecure after criticism, even if unfounded. 56 percent stopped criticizing other women after experiencing what it was like. And the last figure – half of the mothers stopped communicating with “well-wishers” and try to avoid them. So, if you are a know-it-all, think about what is more dear to you: to express an opinion or keep a close friend.