A child is like a sponge. He absorbs parental patterns of behavior and relationships day and night. And then, you can be sure, he will apply these models in his own life. After all, he does not know how otherwise. And if, for example, your own dad is not a very good role model? Recommendations for each case for healthy-food-near-me.com readers are given by the head of the Canga & Roo mom and child studio, child psychologist Oksana Shlyakhova.
“How tired I am of dragging the whole house on my own,” says Katerina. – Buying groceries on me, cleaning, cooking and even repairing bathroom taps too. And the husband at this time is resting on the couch, saying that he has enough work and at work. But I also work! But the worst thing about this situation is that my eldest son, who is 12, is doing exactly the same as his father. And to my requests for help – to take out the trash, wash the dishes or clean up in my room – he replies: “I’m not a janitor. I have enough school and training. I want to rest at home. “
Unfortunately, the situation with Katerina is a very common case. Our heroine completely forgot about her needs, carrying the whole house on her shoulders. I forgot that if you do not love yourself, then no one will love you. And what about the husband? Here it is worth thinking about how we ask him for help, at what moments. A man is also a man, and he also gets tired, coming home from work, he wants to be silent, eat, take a break. When we greeted him with a smile, fed him, gave him drink, said some kind words, he is unlikely to refuse help after that. And when thinking about yourself, do not forget that you are primarily a girl. Try to find her in yourself … kind, vulnerable, sometimes helpless, because this is what helps a man to remain a man.
“I’m even ashamed to talk about it,” Alena begins her story, “but my husband allows himself to insult me and the children while drunk. It doesn’t matter to him where we are and with whom, he takes out all his anger and discontent on us. The next morning he asks for forgiveness and promises never to behave this way again, but, of course, everything repeats itself again. I know that the time is not far off when children, having copied his habit, will behave with me in the same way. Once I have already read my son’s correspondence, where he called me a fool in a conversation with a friend. “
Here you need to figure out why the husband becomes aggressive. Yes, alcohol is certainly liberating, but a person does not become completely different. He is still the same, just in a sober state, perhaps restraining his impulses to “offend”, “to frustrate his anger.” Accumulates indignation, and then dumps them on you. There is another option: the husband deliberately insults his wife in order to exalt himself, humiliating her. Here you can be sure: everything will go on increasing, the abuse will develop into beatings. Naturally, the son will also copy this pattern of behavior. First he will work it out on his mother, and then on his family.
But there is a way out of any situation. You can, for example, try to give your husband more attention and care, tell him how wonderful he is, praise – but not just like that, but saying why. For being so clever, a great example for a child. Or, on the contrary, to react differently to the next attack, as usual. This will make the man think.
“Imagine, I once heard in the yard that my son boasts that his dad drinks more beer than anyone else,” says Svetlana. – This is an achievement! And then he added: “When I grow up, I can do that too.”
The boy’s dad is clearly an authority figure. Here you need to talk to your son about the father, but in the right way. To draw the boy’s attention to the positive aspects of her husband, to what is really worth being proud of. But this will only become effective if the spouse is involved. Perhaps he needs to devote more time to his son. It can be fishing, football, even just doing something around the house together: nail a shelf, fix something. Dad will be the pride of his son, and perhaps, on the contrary, the son will teach his father something. Well, in the presence of a child, alcohol abuse is still not worth it.
“My husband is very pugnacious,” admits Tatiana, “and in a company he can fight on the street with passers-by, and, of course, breaks down at home. It does not touch the children yet, but it falls to me from time to time. The girls in the kindergarten have fights all the time. Educators complain about them all the time. If they were told something wrong, they made a face, they immediately use their fists. And they have one excuse: “The Pope allows us to defend ourselves.” And they are not afraid of punishment of anyone. In addition, when I make comments to them, they can swing at me. “
To live with such a man, who clearly has not matured, gets involved in “cockfighting” is like sitting on a powder keg. In such conditions, a woman is exhausted not only emotionally, but also physically. There can be two outcomes of events: either she becomes a codependent victim, who likes that she is constantly sympathized with, she constantly seeks an excuse for him, considering herself to be guilty; or becomes the same aggressor. In any case, the result is a gap.
No amount of silence and humility will help you here. Drastic measures are needed if you want to maintain such a marriage at all. The spouse needs a push for change. It could be a break. After realizing what it is like without you and the children, he can begin to change in order to bring you back. As long as you are silent, he thinks that everything suits you.
“My daughter’s father has been hanging on my neck for a year now. And he likes this state of affairs, – dejected by her family situation, says Elena. – While I’m at work, and my daughter is at school, he peacefully snores on the couch, and in the evening he expects me to cook a delicious dinner for him. The most real dependent. “I am waiting for a suitable job. I don’t want to trade, ”- answers the question when he will start working. I am very afraid that my daughter will choose such a parasitic position towards others. She already says that she does not want to study and will not, that it is enough for her to just get married successfully ”.
This situation is a bit similar to the first one by the behavior of the heroine, a “strong woman,” where the dominant female energy is visible from the very first sentence. “My daughter’s father” is what she calls him. That is, not a husband, not a loved one. Elena has not respected him for a long time. This man has not changed overnight, he has always been like that, it just ceased to suit Elena. Most likely, he is a “mama’s boy”, his mother adored him, raised him in love, hall and bliss. You cannot “push” such a man to work with screams and scandals. It takes a little bit of ingenuity and acting skills. Use “mother’s methods”: praise for any manifestations of independence, convince him that everything is based on him and there is nothing without him.