Psychologists have made an unexpected conclusion: it is sometimes useful to think about the bad. Imagine that soon you will lose something good, valuable, something that you cherish. Imagined loss will help you appreciate what you have and become happier.
The last piece, the last chapter, the last meeting, the last kiss — everything in life ends someday. Saying goodbye is sad, but often it is parting that brings clarity to our life and emphasizes the good that is in it.
A group of psychologists led by Christine Leiaus of the University of California conducted an experiment. The study lasted a month. The subjects, first-year students, were divided into two groups. One group lived this month as if it were the last month of their student life. They drew attention to places and people they would miss. The second group was the control group: the students lived as usual.
Before and after the experiment, students filled out questionnaires that assessed their psychological well-being and satisfaction with basic psychological needs: how free, strong and close to others they felt. Participants who imagined their imminent departure had increased indicators of psychological well-being. The prospect of graduating from university did not upset them, but, on the contrary, made life richer. The students imagined that their time was limited. This encouraged them to live in the present and have more fun.
Why not use it as a ploy: imagine the moment when everything is over in order to become happier? This is what gives us the expectation of parting and loss.
We live in the present
Stanford University psychology professor Laura Carstensen developed the theory of socio-emotional selectivity, which studies the impact of time perception on goals and relationships. Perceiving time as an unlimited resource, we tend to expand our knowledge and contacts. We go to classes, attend numerous events, get new skills. Such actions are investments in the future, often associated with overcoming difficulties.
Realizing the finiteness of time, people begin to look for meaning in life and ways to get satisfaction.
When we understand that time is limited, we choose activities that bring pleasure and are important to us right now: having fun with our best friends or enjoying our favorite food. Realizing the finiteness of time, people begin to look for meaning in life and ways to get satisfaction. The expectation of loss pushes us into activities that bring happiness here and now.
We get close to others
One of Laura Carstensen’s studies involved 400 Californians. The subjects were divided into three groups: young people, middle-aged people and the older generation. Participants were asked who they would like to meet during their free half hour: a family member, a new acquaintance, or the author of a book they have read.
Time spent with family helps us feel better. It may not have an element of novelty, but it’s usually an enjoyable experience. Meeting a new acquaintance or book author provides an opportunity for growth and development.
Under normal circumstances, 65% of young people choose to meet with an author, and 65% of older people choose to spend time with their families. When participants were asked to imagine moving to another part of the country in a couple of weeks, 80% of young people decided to meet with a family member. This confirms Carstensen’s theory: the anticipation of a breakup forces us to reprioritize.
We let go of the past
According to Carstensen’s theory, our happiness in the present competes with the benefits we may receive in the future, for example, from new knowledge or connections. But we must not forget about the investments made in the past.
Perhaps you have had a chance to communicate with a friend who has long ceased to be pleasant to you, simply because you know him from school. Or maybe you are hesitant to change your profession because you feel sorry for the education you received. So, the realization of the coming end helps to put everything in its place.
In 2014, a group of scientists led by Jonel Straw conducted a series of experiments. Young people were asked to imagine that they did not have long to live. This made them less concerned about the «sunk cost» of time and money. Happiness in the present turned out to be more important for them. The control group was set up differently: for example, they were more likely to stay at a bad movie because they paid for the ticket.
Considering time as a limited resource, we do not want to waste it on nonsense. Thoughts about future losses and separations help us tune in to the present. Of course, the experiments in question allowed the participants to benefit from imaginary breakups without experiencing the bitterness of real losses. And yet, on their deathbed, people most often regret that they worked too hard and communicated too little with loved ones.
So remember: all good things come to an end. Appreciate the real.