The sexual maturation of boys – psychologist, Larisa Surkova
Childhood sexuality is a rather slippery topic. Parents are not ashamed of talking about this with their children, they even avoid calling things by their proper names. Yes, we are talking about the scary words “penis” and “vagina”.
By the time my son first discovered his distinctive sex characteristic, I had read a wide variety of literature on the topic and reacted calmly to his research interest. By the age of three, the situation began to heat up: the son practically did not get his hands out of his pants. All the explanations that it was not necessary to do this in public were smashed like peas against a wall. It was also pointless to forcibly get his hands out of the shanties – the son was already shoving his palms back in spite.
“When will this end? I asked mentally. – And what to do with it?”
“Look how he looks at his hands! Oh, and now he is trying to catch himself by the leg, ”- the parents and the rest of the confidants are moved.
Closer to the year, children discover other interesting features of their bodies. And by three they begin to thoroughly investigate them. This is where the parents get tense. Yes, we are talking about the genitals.
Already at 7-9 months, being without a diaper, the baby touches his body, discovers certain organs, and this is absolutely normal, sane parents should not have worries.
As the psychologist explained to us, after a year, many mothers and fathers react in a completely different way, if, say, a boy, touches his penis. It is common here to make mistakes: to shout, scold, scare: “Stop it, or you will tear it off,” and do everything to strengthen this desire. After all, children are always waiting for a reaction to their actions, and what it will be is not so important.
The reaction should be extremely calm. Talk to your child, explain, even if it seems to you that he does not understand anything. “Yes, you are a boy, all boys have a penis.” If this word traumatizes your psyche (although I believe that there is nothing wrong with the names of the genitals), you can use your own definitions. But still, I urge you to include common sense in their names: the faucet, watering can and cockerel are not very connected with the object in question.
Of course, mother and baby are more closely connected than father. This is physiology, there is nothing you can do about it. But at the moment when the son begins to actively demonstrate his gender, it is very important for the dad to join the tandem of the mother and the child. It is the father who must explain and show the son what a man needs to be.
“I am glad that you are a boy, and it’s great that you are happy about it too. But in society it is not accepted to demonstrate their masculinity in this way. Love and respect are acquired differently, with good deeds, with the right actions, ”- conversations in this vein will help to overcome the crisis.
Psychologists advise to involve the boy in men’s affairs, as if transferring the emphasis from the anatomical level to the symbolic: fishing, for example, playing sports.
If there is no father in the family, let another male representative – older brother, uncle, grandfather – talk to the baby. The child must learn that he is loved the way he is, but his male gender imposes certain obligations on him.
The boys soon find themselves enjoying the mechanical stimulation of the penis. Although it is too early to talk about masturbation as such, parents start to panic.
There are times when a boy grabs his penis in moments of anxiety. For example, when he is scolded or something is prohibited. If this happens systemically, it is worth considering, because the child thus seeks and finds comfort, a kind of consolation. It is good to offer him another way to cope with his anxieties – to do some kind of sports, yoga, and at least spin a spinner.
And most importantly, give your child their own space. His own corner, where no one will go, where the boy will be left to himself. He will still study his body and let him do it better without the most destructive feeling that a parent can cause in a child – the feeling of shame.
Girly games are not scary
Growing up, many boys try on the role of girls: they wear skirts, headscarves, even jewelry. And again, there is nothing wrong with that.
“When gender identification is in progress, some children need to play completely the opposite role in order to refuse it,” says psychotherapist Katerina Suratova. “When boys play with dolls and girls play with cars, this is quite normal. It would be a mistake to make a negative emphasis on this, humiliating the boy. Especially if dad does it. Then for a child the role of such a big and strong father may be beyond his powers, and it is possible that he will tend to the role of a soft and kind mother. “
And one day the boy will realize that he is a boy. And then he will fall in love: with the teacher, with the neighbor, the friend of the mother. And that’s okay.