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Daria Starovoitova, a practicing psychologist, tells how to establish communication with a child going through a transitional age, and not go crazy.
Psychologist, gestalt therapist, career coach
“In adolescents, I am most annoyed … by the adolescents themselves” – this phrase can describe the state of the parents, dumbfounded by the sudden and rapid onset of puberty. Yesterday your baby was predictable, kind and sympathetic, and today in the house – an analogue of the Great French Revolution. Teenagers are incredible creatures with a lot of energy, strength and an original outlook even on everyday things. It is a great honor and an art to be part of the process of forming a new personality. The main thing is not to be mistaken.
Mistake 1: we take offense
The first reaction to inattention, isolation, useless, from your point of view, child’s affairs is an offense. All our words are smashing against a concrete wall. But ask yourself: do you accept the child the way he has become? It is possible that longboard, punk rock and Pokémon are not among your values in life, but now this is exactly what attracts and captivates your child, this is important for creating his future identity. Try, if not to understand, then at least to accept the teenager’s new interests: in search of yourself, the easiest way is to pay attention to the brightest and most unusual. Hobbies pass, but relationships based on trust, support, and acceptance last for years.
Your reactions to adolescent reticence are easier to handle if you don’t take them personally. Hormonal storm, changes in appearance, it is no longer possible to live as before, but how we would like it is still not clear. Add to this the school workload and the struggle for authority among peers, and you realize that the child does not have many resources left.
“I don’t mean anything to him” – this feeling comes after the resentment. More precisely: “He doesn’t care about me!” Some in such a situation try to behave emphatically authoritarian: “Because I said so!” This is how we try to reduce our concern for the child. After all, if he does not obey anyone, the likelihood that he will get involved in something dangerous increases. But this strategy is a failure: today, out of fear of being punished, a teenager will agree with you, and next time you will not even know that he is going to get into some kind of adventure.
In fact, a teenager feels that you are the adult and in charge here, and this feeling can be unbearable for him. He begins to test the strength of himself and those around him. A teenager is measuring strength with you so that one day he has the right to enter the world of adults and be on an equal footing with you. By acting authoritarian, you symbolically take away from him the pass to future adult life and the opportunity to take a worthy place in it.
The best thing you can do here to maintain authority is to live your own interesting life and remember that a real adult is an example of patience, responsibility, goodwill. Your own resilience will increase the adolescent’s confidence, will serve as a guarantee that in a critical situation he will come to you.
Mistake 3: making decisions for him
Despite the fact that the teenager has almost overtaken you in height and physical strength, he really does not yet have your experience and measure of responsibility. There are no basic social skills, but there is desperate courage. It is no wonder that it becomes objectively scary for the child. I would like to start laying straws wherever possible, choosing a university, hobbies and friends for him. But what do you get in this way? The more often you make decisions for your child, referring to his immature age, the more likely he will enter adulthood as dependent and dependent.
The foundations of critical thinking are laid precisely in puberty: take this fact into your arms and try to talk. Discuss, debate, ask the adolescent’s opinion and gently guide him in the event of a pronounced danger. Give him the opportunity to make mistakes too: he has not yet built up the armor that allows him to calmly react to the lies and cynicism of adulthood.
A good vaccination will be a collision with the unpleasant features of the adult world under your control.
Mistake 4: undermining trust
When a teenager has secrets, he suddenly starts making strange, from your point of view, acquaintances. We go crazy with anxiety: what if he’s up to something dangerous? Or maybe all these dubious acquaintances incite him to do something bad? To cope with anxiety, it is not uncommon for parents to rummage through their child’s belongings, hack social media accounts, and read personal correspondence. The result will be disastrous: as soon as the child feels the slightest hint of violation of his personal space, he will do everything to close even more and more securely. It will be impossible to break through the bastions of new ciphers, passwords and emerging alienation.
The only way to really increase your influence is to create the ground for trust in advance. Try not with words, but with actions to make it clear that in any situation a child can come to you and discuss difficulties. Trust what he tells you, accept it by anyone, and then he will hide less from you.
Mistake 5: looking down on his interests
Strange music, ridiculous clothes, terrible slang, some incomprehensible words … No way to listen to good music and dress decently! It was not in vain that we went to theaters and museums, to exhibitions and concerts.
Active denial of the experience gained in the past is necessary for the child in order, having tried other hobbies, to form his own experience, and not imposed from the outside. Do not criticize the tastes and hobbies of a teenager, but encourage something that does not pose an obvious psychological and physical danger. Try to support and understand what he found in them, what his needs are met by the child, being carried away by rock climbing or drawing scenes from the zombie apocalypse on glass.
Of course, sometimes you can’t do without restrictions, but it’s better if this is a last resort. Which you also have to explain clearly.
And the last thing: admit it, because some of the hobbies of a teenager are what you always wanted, but did not dare to try. Try to realize your own creativity. Moreover, with this you will very much support the child.
Mistake 6: devalue his feelings
In adolescence, emotions and hobbies change rapidly. Today your child is crazy about roller skating, and tomorrow weave bracelets from rubber bands. Emotional instability is also so strong that adolescents react to situations in unpredictable ways. Sometimes pen tests are accompanied by incredible confidence with which a child undertakes to reason about adult topics. Often, parents get lost, they put the stamp “whim” on the behavior of a teenager and react to it as if it were a whim.
It is worth remembering that in order to successfully overcome the adolescent crisis, the child really needs your support: laugh at his jokes, philosophize with him, and even more so do not laugh at first love. When your teen sees that you are taking him seriously, he will take himself just as seriously.
5 ways to improve communication
Believe in him. Surely you have invested enough in the child until he reaches adolescence. Belief in him is at the same time belief in your parental competence. Faith alone produces amazing results: if you know deep down that he can do it, he will surely do it.
Give reasonable freedom. The balance between control and permissiveness is very important, because a teenager does not yet have the skills to determine the boundaries of what is permissible. Leave the child the choice of a section or university, but set some rules of behavior: for example, come no later than the set time and not be rude. Your boundaries are something that he will bump into in trying to create his own personality, and this will give him calm and confidence.
Respect. Discuss tastes and likes correctly, but leave the child the right to their own opinions and choices. Respect should apply to both the adolescent’s personal space and appearance, hobbies, company and expressions of affection. Of course, if we are not talking about something potentially dangerous. In any case, even such things are worth discussing patiently and delicately.
Support. It is possible that, not seeing a specific goal, the teenager decides to quit what he started. Your attention to detail and support for any, even the smallest, successes and victories will help you not stop. These little things will become the starting points for the continuation, will teach you to enjoy the process, and will create additional motivation in the form of a competitive spirit.
Realistically assess the danger. Don’t be dramatic. Not always spending the night with a friend is a binge on the list, and preparing for an exam with a girlfriend is just preparing for exams.